Search The Virtual Driver
Tagged for Your Convenience
1940 Ford Coupe 1961 F1 season 2012 Dodge Charger SRT8 2012 Ford Explorer 2012 Jeep Wrangler 2012 Toyota Camry 2012 VW Beetle 2012 VW Passat 2013 Chevys 2013 Ford Explorer 2013 Ford Focus Electric 2013 Ford Fusion review 2013 Hyundai Genesis Coupe 2013 Hyundai Sonata SE 2013 Hyundai Veloster Turbo 2013 Infiniti JX AWD 2013 Lexus ES 350 2013 Lexus GS 2013 Mercedes GLK350 2013 NAIAS 2013 Nissan Altima 2014 Audi R18 e-tron quattro 2014 Detroit Auto Show 2014 Jeep Grand Cherokee 2014 Kia Forte 2014 Kia Soul road test 2014 Lexus IS 2014 Mazda CX-5 crossover 2014 Mazda3 2014 Mercedes S-Class 2014 Mitsubishi Mirage 2014 NAIAS 2014 Toyota Corolla 2014 Toyota Corolla S 2014 Toyota Highlander 2015 Camaro 2015 Chevy Trax 2015 Chrysler 200 2015 Detroit auto show 2015 Ford F-150 2015 Ford Mustang 2015 Hyundai Sonata 2015 Kia Sorento SX 2015 Lincoln Navigator 2015 Mini Cooper 2015 Mustang 2015 Nissan Murano 2015 Porsche Cayenne 2015 Toyota Camry 2016 24 Hours of Le Mans 2016 Chevy Camaro 2016 Chevy Volt 2016 Ford Explorer Platinum 2016 Hyundai Tucson 2016 Nissan Maxima 2017 Acura NSX 2017 Ford GT adaptive cruise control affordable carbon fiber airbag technology Alan Mulally Alfa Romeo Alfa Romeo 4C Alfa Romeo 4C Spider Alfa Romeo Giulia ALMS AMG SLS E-Cell AP Racing Radi-CAL Apple Car ArmorAll AROnline Aston Martin Aston Martin Vulcan Aston-Martin Atlanta Motorsport Park Audi Audi A3 Audi bicycle Audi Q7 TDI Audi R18 Audi R18 e-tron quattro Austin Powers Autocade automotive fuel cells automotive porn automotive safety systems autonomous cars Autorama Avocet Avro Vulcan barn find Jaguar barn finds Battle of Britain Beverly Rae Kimes Big Bang Theory BMW BMW 2 Series Active Tourer BMW 3 Series BMW i3 BMW i8 BMW i8 luggage BMW M4 video BMW X4 BMW1 Series Bob Lutz BorgWarner Breitling watches Brembo British Motor Heritage Bryce Hoffman Buick Regal GS Buick Verano Cadillac ATS Cadillac CT6 Cadillac CTS Cadillac CTS-V Cadillac CUE Cadillac Racing Cadillac XTS CAFE standards Camaro Z28 Camaro ZL1 Car Spy book Carroll Shelby Cars in Context Television Cars in Context TV Caterham Caterham Seven Center for Automotive Research CES Chapparal 2X VGT comncept Chevy Cruze diesel Chevy Sonic Chevy Volt Chicago Auto Show China Auto 2012 Chip Foose Chrysler Chrysler Hemi Clarion C-Max Hybrid CNG Cobra Jet Mustang Cobra watch Controlled Power Technologies cork surfboard Corvette C7 Corvette C8 Corvette sinkhole Craftsman CTX tractors Dale Jr Dallara GP2 hillclimb Dan Gurney Dan Wheldon De Lorean Denise McCluggage Derek Warwick Detroit Auto Show Detroit Electric diesel engine Dodge Dodge Avenger Dodge Challenger Dodge Dart GT domestic energy donuts drag racing DRB-Hicom driver alert Ducati Ducati 899 Panigale Ducati Monster Ducati Museum Ducati Testastretta Eagle GB Eddie Rickenbacker Edsel Ford electric bike electric vehicles EPA Evanta F-150 SuperCrew federal bureaucracy Federal-Mogul Ferdinand Piech Ferrari Ferrari 488 GTB Ferrari dog kennels Ferrari F12 FEV Fiat 500 Abarth Fiat 500 furniture Fiat 500X Fiat-Chrysler Ford Ford BoxLink Ford Edge Ford Explorer Sport Ford F-150 EcoBoost Ford F-150 Tremor Ford F-350 Ford Fiesta ST Ford Focus RS reveal Ford Focus ST Ford Fusion Ford GT Ford GT Mk. IV Ford Mustang Ford Mustang GT Ford Mustang GT350 Ford S-Max Ford Transit Ford Transit Connect Ford Transit Connect Titanium Formula One Formula One rules Forza Motorsport Fq hybrid braking Frankfurt Motor Show Geneva Motor Show Global RallyCross GM GM recalls Goodwood Festival of Speed Group Lotus HANS device Harley-Davidson Harley-Davidson Breakout Harley-Davidson LiveWire Harley-Davidson Seventy-Two Harley-Davidson SuperLow Harley-Davidson Switchback Haynes Owners' Workshop Manual healthcare Honda ATVs Honda endurance engine Honda motorcycles Honda NSX Honda Pilot Honda RA272 Honda RC213V-S HondaJet hot hatch Husqvarna hybrids Hyundai Hyundai Accent Hyundai Elantra Hyundai Elantra GT Hyundai Genesis Hyundai Genesis Coupe Hyundai Motorstudio Hyundai Veloster Indianapolis Motor Speedway Indy 500 IndyCar Infiniti Infiniti Q50 Infiniti QX56 inflatable child seat internal combustion engines iPhone 6 J.D. Power and Associates Jabuar Jaguar Jaguar C-X16 Jaguar E-Type Jaguar F-Type Jaguar luggage Jaguar XE Jaguar XJL Jeep Cherokee Jeep concepts Jeep Renegade Jensen GT jet prropulsion Jim Clark John Krafcik Juan Manuel Fangio Kia Forte Koup SX Kia Rio Kia Sorento Kia Soul L.A. Auto Show Lamborghini Lancia Delta Integrale Land Rover LR2 Le Mans lead-acid batteries LED headlights Lego Technic book Lexus ES350 Lexus GS350 F Sport Lexus hoverboard Lexus LS LExus LX 570 Lexus NX 200t F Sport Lexus RC 350 Lexus RC F Lexus RX 450h Ligier LMP3 prototype Lincoln MKC Lincoln MKX Lincoln MKZ Lincoln Motor Company Lincoln Navigator L Lincoln's future Lingenfelter LiquidPiston Lister Knobbly Lola LMP1 Lotus Lotus Evora 400 Lotus SUV Luca Montezemolo Lucire Lyonheart K marble Ducati Martin Winterkorn Maserati Tipo 250F replica matte-finish film Matthew McConaughey Mazda Mazda chair Mazda Miata versus Ford Fiesta ST Mazda2 MazdaPro series McLaren McLaren 675LT McLaren MP4-12C Spider McLaren P1 McLaren P1 interior Mercedes Mercedes 4Matic Mercedes CLA Mercedes comic book Mercedes diesel pistons Mercedes GL Mercedes GLA Mercedes GLE Coupe Mercedes pickup trucks Mercedes van Mercedes-AMG Mercedes-AMG GT Mercedes-Benz furniture metal matrix composite brakes MG wrist watch Michael Schumacher Mike Hawthorn Mini Mini Clubman Mini Countryman Mini Coupe Mini Roadster Mini Vision Mitsubishi Mopar shaker hood muscle cars MyFord Touch NAIAS nanoslide coating NASA Mustang NASCAR NASCAR heating scandal New Shelby GT350 New York Auto Show Niki Lauda Nissan BladeGlider Nissan Leaf Nissan Pathfinder Nissan Rogue Nissan Skyline history Nissan Smart mirror Nissan Versa Note Nnissan Quest Nurburgring OnStar FMV Pebble Beach Concours d'Elegance Peter Wright Peugeot 108 Pininfarina Pocket Classics police chases Pope Benedict XVI Porsche 911 Porsche 917 Porsche 918 Spyder Porsche 919 steering wheel Porsche 988 Porsche Cars North America Porsche P1 EV Porsche Panamera powertrain technology Prius c Prius v Quixx racing Ram Ram 1500 Ram ProMaster Ram Promaster City Range Rover rebuildable batteries Renault Alpine Renault F1 engine Renault Talisman Renault Twingo restomod Ricardo Engineering road repair funds Roger Penske Rolls Royce Bespoke Rolls Royce SUV Rolls-Royce Silver Ghost Ross Brawn Rush movie Saab safety technology Santa SBU V3 Scion FR-S Scion iA and iM Sir Malcolm Campbell Siri smart spare tires Speed sport sedans Sportster Subaru BRZ Subaru Forester Suzuki SX4 SYNC 3 Team Lotus TechShop The Aresenal of Democracy torque vectoring touchpad technology Tour de France Toyota Toyota 4Runner Toyota iRoad Toyota Prius c Toyota Sienna Premium Toyota Tacoma Toyota Tundra Toyota Venza Toyota VenzaMcLaren MP4-12C Tracks novel Triumph Speed Triple TRW TRW touchpad TVR U.S. Air Force Museum UAW Udvar-Hazy Center Ulysses S. Grant unionization Uniroyal tires vaporware Vehreo fabric Visteon Volkswagen Volvo Volvo Drive-E Volvo S60 R-Design Volvo XC90 VW VW Beetle Convertible VW Beetle TDI VW Golf VW Golf SportWagen VW GTI VW Jetta GLI VW Jetta Hybrid VW MQB VW Passat TDI VW Touareg TDI VW troubles winter driving Wirth Research Xcar video XPEL Yamaha Yamaha anime Zenos E10
« Rust In Peace | Main | Complex Audio Systems for Dummies »
Friday
Dec212012

There’s No Such Thing As 90-degree Parking

By Al Vinikour  

This could get expensive...One sure-fire giveaway to know that someone has a brand new car is to see a shiny vehicle parked across two or there parking spaces. The presumable reason is to stop someone from parking too closely and putting a dent somewhere on this “prized asset.” Technically it makes sense. Somebody is proud of a vehicle that they have worked hard for and spent many thousands of dollars on. However, one thing these selfish fecal craniums fail to consider is that everybody in that parking lot has spent thousands of dollars or more on their own rides. If everyone felt the entitlement that the schmuck in this example feels, a parking lot the size of Yankee Stadium’s would be needed at any 7-11!

I honestly admire the love these individuals have for their new possession, and their instinct to keep it free from harm. But that understanding quickly erodes when I’m looking for a parking spot in a torrential rainstorm, and there’s a Pontiac G8 straddled across three close-in parking spaces! At that moment, I weigh the choice of eating a mystery meat sandwich at a county lockup for dinner that night because I vandalized that Pontiac in broad daylight and rendered it inoperable… or biting the bullet and getting drenched running into Kroger’s because I had to park so far away from the door.

Sometimes, while waiting for the rain to die down, I think of creative ways to get back at the inconsiderate slob that took up spaces others could use. One of my favorites is for the storeowners to have a metal box like you see in buildings where you break the glass and pull the alarm to notify the fire department or remove the fire extinguisher inside. Except the metal box in the parking lot would contain hardened tungsten ice picks. The sign on the box would read Break Glass When Drivers Use More Than One Parking Spot. People who have been blocked out of having a parking spot would break the glass, remove the ice pick, and proceed to scratch in graffiti so that after an hour the miscreant vehicle looks like a box car sitting in a rail yard. Until the owner had his vehicle refinished and repainted, the whole world will know that he’s a thoughtless male body part.

Another fantasy is more a test of military technology. The M1A2 Abrams Main Battle Tank has a 120 mm main gun capable of hitting targets almost 10,000 ft away with pinpoint accuracy. I think the Special Forces, as part of their anti-terrorist training, should be deputized to cruise larger parking lots, like supermarkets and shopping malls, looking for “Communists” who take up multiple parking spaces. When they find some they should put them on a flat bed Deuce and a Half truck, and drive them to the closest military base that utilizes heavy artillery. Instead of using obsolete tanks and trucks as targets they should be able to use vehicles like that bright, shiny, new Lincoln straddling multiple spaces. The towed vehicles should be placed on platforms almost two miles from an Abrams tank, and the gunners should be proficient enough to vaporize the errant vehicle in three shots or less.

A more realistic fantasy would have the owner of the ill-parked vehicle inside the store shopping, and the vehicles on either side of his car have left. In the meantime, two J. B. Hunt 18-wheelers parked so close to the front and rear bumpers that there’s less than an inch of separation. When the owner of the car reappears and sees his dilemma, he gets all red in the face, but is sensible enough to realize that the drivers of those big rigs are probably ex-Marines, have a “Mother” tattoo on one arm and a Don’t Tread On Me tattoo on the other, and Confederate Flags on the front bumper of each of their K-Whoppers. So he loads his bags full of perishable foods like ice cream, frozen dinners and potato salad in the back seat, and decides to wait out the first trucker who comes back.

What this butthole doesn’t realize is that the trucks are parked there for the weekend and the drivers were picked up by their “women.” Short of hiring a Sikorsky Sky Crain, Mr. I’m Entitled is there for the duration. (Did I mentioned that the truckers, God bless them, took one of their tie-down chains and broke all the windows in his car?

There is no excuse to feel entitled to parallel park across several spots even if there aren’t many people who would be careful to avoid banging their car door against the vehicle next to theirs. But if they do, it’s no more undesirable than somebody taking up three parking spots—especially in inclement weather. If you feel that your vehicle is so precious that you want to avoid being too close to another, there’s probably plenty of spots at the far end of the lot. You’ll get some exercise, preserve the integrity of your vehicle and avoid pissing people off at the same time. Just remember, Barry… paybacks are a bitch, and the one who is going to carve her initials in your paint could be one herself.

Reader Comments

There are no comments for this journal entry. To create a new comment, use the form below.

PostPost a New Comment

Enter your information below to add a new comment.

My response is on my own website »
Author Email (optional):
Author URL (optional):
Post:
 
Some HTML allowed: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <code> <em> <i> <strike> <strong>